Posted by Crazed Indy Fan from ark.well-of-souls.com on April 1, 1999 at 18:34:40:
Star Wars is the enemy. I know it, you know it, and the American people know it.
It is time that we take back what is ours!
This May, sure, stand in line like all the other sheep if you must. But do it in style. Hang out in the line wearing all your Indy garb, and talk excitedly about the movie, saying that you heard on the internet that the Phantom Menace refers to ghosts from ancient Atlantis. Try to ignore the dumbstruck looks and derisive jeering. Don't worry, your lambskin Wested can take the plastic lightsaber pounding you're sure to get. If you happened to have the cash for that David Morgan whip, you'll have the situation well in hand.
Once inside, be sure to proffer a large drink. You're going to need the fluids for all the yelling and running that you'll be taking part in. When the lights go down begin humming the Raider's March. Once again you may have to snap that whip to keep those Star Wars weenies at bay.
As soon as the introduction begins crawling up the screen, yell "This isn't what I paid 8 *&$%#@ bucks for!," and rush to the front of the theatre, making note of the nearest exit. When you reach the front, pull out your Official Temple of Doom Bridge-Hacking Machete and make quick work of the screen. Now is the time to take make your way to the exit, as a howling mob of plastic-lightsaber-wielding maniacs will be on your tail. If you are a worthy Indy fan, you will survive the onslaught. If not, you will know that you were not truly worthy and deserved every bone broken and tooth lost. We will all pity you.
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