Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Posted by Shaggy from 24.5.39.52 on February 29, 2000 at 00:00:13:

Now here's an episode I'D like to see...
****

Tansut and Zorak stood in the conference room, waiting for Metallus to get there. Today was the last straw that broke the camel's back while it was busy going through the needle's eye. Or something. Space Ghost had just drank the last gravy boat, and as far as Zorak and Moltar were concerned, he was going to pay. He was going to pay like a rabid animal after it bites another even more rabid animal, and only spilled blood could-

Tansut coughed.

"Tansut, you just ruined my thinking process, you big, dumb idiot of a space fiend!" Zorak yelled at the yellow and orange robot monster thing.

Tansut gasped and stood back, looking around. "Who, me?" he asked, dumbly, jabbing a thumb into his chest.

Zorak got out his BFL (Big Freakin' Lazer) and shot Tansut. Tansut, not being animated to explode, fell over at an angle, in Cartoon Network's cheesiest of styles. Metallus, Tansut's silver and white twin who was both twice and half as stupid as he was, hobbled in, not being animated to walk.

"There's no salad bar here..." Metallus said apon entry, and was immediately blasted with the BFL. He fell down in the same aforementioned style as Tansut.

"Now listen up, chumps," Zorak said through his giant mantis voice that sounded like it had listened to too much Boston, if there was a way to do so, and had too much bloodlust, if there was such a thing, "today we're going to kill Space Ghost. After which, I shall be your new leader, and you two are gonna help or you'll be dead. Are you listening to me? You'll be King Dead!" he waved his BFL around at the two identikit space monster robot guys of different shades.

"Hey, did you say there's a salad bar somewhere on Ghost Planet?" Tansut asked, and was shot again.

"Yeah, Moltar said there'd be a salad bar, the big jerk..." Metallus replied, sobbing a little.

Zorak was about to shoot Metallus, but then stopped, "Wait, Moltar said that?"

"Yeah, just don't hurt me," came the shakey reply as Metallus huddled into fetus position on the tile floor.

"Mmmm... Italian dressing..."

Zorak shot Metallus, letting him fall over in the cheap way the figures that weren't animated to explode fell over and exited the room, the door opening with a Star Trek-esque whoosh sound.

"See you around suckers!"

Tansut still was cape to the ground, sort of, while Metallus continued to be in fetus position, and whispered "The horror... the horror..."
****
AHHHHHH, AHHHH, AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH
BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM, BING BING, BUM

The Space Ghost theme started,

BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM, BING BING, BUMMM BUMM, WHEE WHEE BUM, BUM BUM BUM

continued,

BUM, BUM, BUM, BING, BING, WHOOS WHOOS WHOOSH, BUMBUBBUBUBUBUBUBUB, BING BING BING BING BING BING BUM BUM, BUM

finished,

Oh, HOOOOO, uhhh huuuuuh

and Moltar cut to the shot of Space Ghost coming in from his Space Ghost type ghosting in thing.

"Greetings, I am Space Ghost," the white and black costumed guy said, smiling and flexing, "And today we have a very special show. Why is it special?" it asked, winking, while someone glurped some sort of liquid in the background, "Because in addition to my fellow super hero Bob... Ahh... Can't read the cue card, Tansut... Odenkirk? Is he related to Jim? No? Oh, well... We have famed mathematician Indiana Jones on the program today. He even had the courtesy to come all the way out here to Ghost Planet, too. Also, I'm going to be killed by Zorak in a bloody and inhumane way-" Space Ghost blinked at the cue card. He blinked again. "Uhhh..." he began to think.

Zorak tried to cackle, but only gurgled salad dressing.

"Zorak!?" Space Ghost boomed.

"What? I didn't do nothin!"

"Die!" Space Ghost shouted, and blasted him with his wrist band, and Zorak, being animated to explode, exploded. He puffed out, "ow" with a comical black cloud coming out of his scorched black everything as he blinked. "Now play me to the desk, fiend."

Space Ghost ghosted out, and appeared behind the desk, Zorak mumbling something about "Hell" and "Tad" and "the long, dark tea time" involving both of those words. Tad, for all ye not Space Ghost savvy, is, in theory, Space Ghost's real first name. But it's just a theory. Hee hee... Tad...

Space Ghost flexed a little, looked around, and an awkward silence fell apon the studio when Zorak stopped playing. "Moltar?" he asked quietly, leaning foreward.

Silence.

"Uh... Moltar?"

Continued silence.

"Moltar!"

"What?" the lava man in the suit asked.

"Send out the first guest! I've got contacts to make!"

"What if I don't wanna?"

"Then I'm going to have to blast Zorak."

"Well, fine, I don't care," Moltar's deep voice pouted.

"Moltar, I mean it, if you don't send James Tiberius Kirk out here right now," he paused and growled to make it more dramatic, "Zorak's going to pay."

Zorak looked around frantically, and picked up a metal chair, raising it over his head, just in case he had to defend himself. "Hey, why me? Why not Brak or Lokar or Bob? Or even Moltar?"

"Zorak, you know as well as I do that you're the only cast member that's animated to explode, and in 2 ways, no less! Now, Moltar, get the lead out and send in the next guest!"

"Do what he says, man, he's going to be dead, later, anyway!"

"Dude! That is not cool!" Moltar scolded Zorak from the control room, "A few more slip ups like that and he's going to know we're going to revolt!"

"You're going to revolt!" Space Ghost said, shocked, leaning back, mouth agape, and promptly blasted Zorak, who exploded, said ow, and Moltar chuckled. He pulled the lever, and Bob Odenkirk lowered on the screen.

Bob waved "Hi" to Zorak, SG and Zorak blinked at him.

"Moltar... That's not the captain of the Enterprise. I KNOW the Captain of the Enterprise, and that thin haired, fat guy ain't him," Space Ghost said, and blasted Moltar from the monitor, Moltar falling down at an angle and saying ow.

"Hey, I'm not fat!" Bob said, feeling rejected.

"You're fat enough to eat, Klingon-boy," Zorak replied.

"I'm the.. uh... co-star of Mr. Show with Bob and Dave?" Bob asked the statement, "You know, on, ah, HBO?"

"HBO?" Space Ghost asked, "For Crissake's man, I don't watch cable! That stuff will destroy your brain!"

"Yeah, you can tell because WE'RE on cable. Mowahahahahaa!" Zorak confirmed.

"No, Home Box Office, it's the channel with all the naked women on it."

"Oh, yes, of course, but I don't need that channel, I see naked chics all the time. They always want to do that sex thing with me," Space Ghost said in his heroic fashion, winking. Moltar shattered his ego by telling Space Ghost that the TV people were going to cut off his 24 hour Spice channel if he didn't start paying his bills. "Alright, bring out the next guest."

"Hey, damnit, I've only been on for, like, a minute! Isn't there something you'd like to do before you go to that mathematician guy?" Bob, once again, felt rejected.

"Yeah, we have to go to commercial," Moltar said, pulling a lever.
****

Second half of the show coming tomorrow.

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: Now here's an episode I'D like to see...
: ****

: Tansut and Zorak stood in the conference room, waiting for Metallus to get there.  Today was the last straw that broke the camel's back while it was busy going through the needle's eye.  Or something.  Space Ghost had just drank the last gravy boat, and as far as Zorak and Moltar were concerned, he was going to pay.  He was going to pay like a rabid animal after it bites another even more rabid animal, and only spilled blood could-

: Tansut coughed.

: "Tansut, you just ruined my thinking process, you big, dumb idiot of a space fiend!" Zorak yelled at the yellow and orange robot monster thing.

: Tansut gasped and stood back, looking around.  "Who, me?" he asked, dumbly, jabbing a thumb into his chest.

: Zorak got out his BFL (Big Freakin' Lazer) and shot Tansut.  Tansut, not being animated to explode, fell over at an angle, in Cartoon Network's cheesiest of styles.  Metallus, Tansut's silver and white twin who was both twice and half as stupid as he was, hobbled in, not being animated to walk.

: "There's no salad bar here..." Metallus said apon entry, and was immediately blasted with the BFL.  He fell down in the same aforementioned style as Tansut.

: "Now listen up, chumps," Zorak said through his giant mantis voice that sounded like it had listened to too much Boston, if there was a way to do so, and had too much bloodlust, if there was such a thing, "today we're going to kill Space Ghost.  After which, I shall be your new leader, and you two are gonna help or you'll be dead.  Are you listening to me?  You'll be King Dead!" he waved his BFL around at the two identikit space monster robot guys of different shades.

: "Hey, did you say there's a salad bar somewhere on Ghost Planet?" Tansut asked, and was shot again.

: "Yeah, Moltar said there'd be a salad bar, the big jerk..." Metallus replied, sobbing a little.

: Zorak was about to shoot Metallus, but then stopped, "Wait, Moltar said that?"

: "Yeah, just don't hurt me," came the shakey reply as Metallus huddled into fetus position on the tile floor.

: "Mmmm... Italian dressing..."

: Zorak shot Metallus, letting him fall over in the cheap way the figures that weren't animated to explode fell over and exited the room, the door opening with a Star Trek-esque whoosh sound.

: "See you around suckers!"

: Tansut still was cape to the ground, sort of, while Metallus continued to be in fetus position, and whispered "The horror... the horror..."
: ****
: AHHHHHH, AHHHH, AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH
: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM, BING BING, BUM

: The Space Ghost theme started,

: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM, BING BING, BUMMM BUMM, WHEE WHEE BUM, BUM BUM BUM

: continued,

: BUM, BUM, BUM, BING, BING, WHOOS WHOOS WHOOSH, BUMBUBBUBUBUBUBUBUB, BING BING BING BING BING BING BUM BUM, BUM

: finished,

: Oh, HOOOOO, uhhh huuuuuh

: and Moltar cut to the shot of Space Ghost coming in from his Space Ghost type ghosting in thing.

: "Greetings, I am Space Ghost," the white and black costumed guy said, smiling and flexing, "And today we have a very special show.  Why is it special?" it asked, winking, while someone glurped some sort of liquid in the background, "Because in addition to my fellow super hero Bob... Ahh... Can't read the cue card, Tansut... Odenkirk?  Is he related to Jim?  No?  Oh, well... We have famed mathematician Indiana Jones on the program today.  He even had the courtesy to come all the way out here to Ghost Planet, too.  Also, I'm going to be killed by Zorak in a bloody and inhumane way-" Space Ghost blinked at the cue card.  He blinked again.  "Uhhh..."  he began to think.

: Zorak tried to cackle, but only gurgled salad dressing.

: "Zorak!?" Space Ghost boomed.

: "What?  I didn't do nothin!"

: "Die!" Space Ghost shouted, and blasted him with his wrist band, and Zorak, being animated to explode, exploded.  He puffed out, "ow" with a comical black cloud coming out of his scorched black everything as he blinked.  "Now play me to the desk, fiend."

: Space Ghost ghosted out, and appeared behind the desk, Zorak mumbling something about "Hell" and "Tad" and "the long, dark tea time" involving both of those words.  Tad, for all ye not Space Ghost savvy, is, in theory, Space Ghost's real first name.  But it's just a theory.  Hee hee... Tad...

: Space Ghost flexed a little, looked around, and an awkward silence fell apon the studio when Zorak stopped playing.  "Moltar?" he asked quietly, leaning foreward.

: Silence.

: "Uh... Moltar?"

: Continued silence.

: "Moltar!"

: "What?" the lava man in the suit asked.

: "Send out the first guest!  I've got contacts to make!"

: "What if I don't wanna?"

: "Then I'm going to have to blast Zorak."

: "Well, fine, I don't care," Moltar's deep voice pouted.

: "Moltar, I mean it, if you don't send James Tiberius Kirk out here right now," he paused and growled to make it more dramatic, "Zorak's going to pay."

: Zorak looked around frantically, and picked up a metal chair, raising it over his head, just in case he had to defend himself.  "Hey, why me?  Why not Brak or Lokar or Bob?  Or even Moltar?"

: "Zorak, you know as well as I do that you're the only cast member that's animated to explode, and in 2 ways, no less!  Now, Moltar, get the lead out and send in the next guest!"

: "Do what he says, man, he's going to be dead, later, anyway!"

: "Dude!  That is not cool!" Moltar scolded Zorak from the control room, "A few more slip ups like that and he's going to know we're going to revolt!"

: "You're going to revolt!" Space Ghost said, shocked, leaning back, mouth agape, and promptly blasted Zorak, who exploded, said ow, and Moltar chuckled.  He pulled the lever, and Bob Odenkirk lowered on the screen.

: Bob waved "Hi" to Zorak, SG and Zorak blinked at him.

: "Moltar...  That's not the captain of the Enterprise.  I KNOW the Captain of the Enterprise, and that thin haired, fat guy ain't him," Space Ghost said, and blasted Moltar from the monitor, Moltar falling down at an angle and saying ow.

: "Hey, I'm not fat!" Bob said, feeling rejected.

: "You're fat enough to eat, Klingon-boy," Zorak replied.

: "I'm the.. uh... co-star of Mr. Show with Bob and Dave?" Bob asked the statement, "You know, on, ah, HBO?"

: "HBO?" Space Ghost asked, "For Crissake's man, I don't watch cable!  That stuff will destroy your brain!"

: "Yeah, you can tell because WE'RE on cable.  Mowahahahahaa!" Zorak confirmed.

: "No, Home Box Office, it's the channel with all the naked women on it."

: "Oh, yes, of course, but I don't need that channel, I see naked chics all the time.  They always want to do that sex thing with me," Space Ghost said in his heroic fashion, winking.  Moltar shattered his ego by telling Space Ghost that the TV people were going to cut off his 24 hour Spice channel if he didn't start paying his bills.  "Alright, bring out the next guest."

: "Hey, damnit, I've only been on for, like, a minute!  Isn't there something you'd like to do before you go to that mathematician guy?" Bob, once again, felt rejected.

: "Yeah, we have to go to commercial," Moltar said, pulling a lever.
: ****

: Second half of the show coming tomorrow.

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