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Posted by Roy from webcacheH07a.cache.pol.co.uk on April 07, 2000 at 01:18:57:

In Reply to: My comments. posted by the Fiddler on April 07, 2000 at 00:41:55:

: First I like to say I enjoyed it and that you are a good writter Roy. The following comments may seem a little harsh to many, but I only make them for Roy's sake. I hope you will not take offence Roy.

: K, your description of most things are very clear, but you wrote this whole thing on the presumption that most people have a clear picture in their head of what this whole cable-car apparatus looks like. It confused me thoughoughly several times as what I had pictured was contradicted by what happened, because I din't have a clear picture. I've seen cable-cars in movies, that's about it. So I just imagined what I remembered from those movies, because you gave me nothing to put a different picture into my head. This led to the confusion. On things like this where various aspects of a not-so common item, you need to clarify how things sit ahead of time so the reader has the right picture in his/her head as the story unfolds. Let me just say again that you do a very good job describing things, I knew exactly what you were talking about, I was just confused often. Also, was the car going up or down, and how could it crash into the side of the mountain? --examples of the confusion.

: The next thing is something way more picky, and maybe I'm the one who's confused this time, but there is something I noticed in your writing. It is: that you use cliches. I've been led to beleive that the use of cliches is a undeveloped form of writing, it shows the inability of the writer to form proper words for his thoughts, he instead forms his thoughts to fit phrases (cliches), an uncreative, amaturish form of writing. For an example I picked out two you used that I found right off the first is: "In that split second, Indy knew his life was about to end" --actualy you did good on this one, not using the even-more-used "life flashed before his eyes" after the "split second," but this phrase has been used before, almost exactly. The other one that I found quickly was when you said something along the lines of: Indy slammed into "the mans solar plexus" --on this one, you are describing that part of his body, but it seems that people only ever call it that in writing when they are describing where someone gets hit in a fight. Get the idea?

: Again, these are realy nit-picky things, but I love it when people critique my writing, it helps me to improve. And because of that I thought I'd to you the same favor and help you to improve your writing. By the way, you are a great writer. Did I say that alread?

No worries.... Comments always wanted. In fact, upon re-reading it, I found some bits confusing myself, because so much happens in this chapter so I am re-drafting it anyway. By the way, I am replacing my forum on April the 10th. Hope the new one is better.

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: : First I like to say I enjoyed it and that you are a good writter Roy.  The following comments may seem a little harsh to many, but I only make them for Roy's sake.  I hope you will not take offence Roy.

: : K, your description of most things are very clear, but you wrote this whole thing on the presumption that most people have a clear picture in their head of what this whole cable-car apparatus looks like.  It confused me thoughoughly several times as what I had pictured was contradicted by what happened, because I din't have a clear picture.  I've seen cable-cars in movies, that's about it.  So I just imagined what I remembered from those movies, because you gave me nothing to put a different picture into my head.  This led to the confusion.  On things like this where various aspects of a not-so common item, you need to clarify how things sit ahead of time so the reader has the right picture in his/her head as the story unfolds.  Let me just say again that you do a very good job describing things, I knew exactly what you were talking about, I was just confused often.  Also, was the car going up or down, and how could it crash into the side of the mountain?  --examples of the confusion.

: : The next thing is something way more picky, and maybe I'm the one who's confused this time, but there is something I noticed in your writing.  It is: that you use cliches.  I've been led to beleive that the use of cliches is a undeveloped form of writing, it shows the inability of the writer to form proper words for his thoughts, he instead forms his thoughts to fit phrases (cliches), an uncreative, amaturish form of writing.  For an example I picked out two you used that I found right off the first is: "In that split second, Indy knew his life was about to end" --actualy you did good on this one, not using the even-more-used "life flashed before his eyes" after the "split second," but this phrase has been used before, almost exactly.  The other one that I found quickly was when you said something along the lines of: Indy slammed into "the mans solar plexus" --on this one, you are describing that part of his body, but it seems that people only ever call it that in writing when they are describing where someone gets hit in a fight.  Get the idea?

: : Again, these are realy nit-picky things, but I love it when people critique my writing, it helps me to improve.  And because of that I thought I'd to you the same favor and help you to improve your writing.  By the way, you are a great writer.  Did I say that alread?

: : <img src="http://fiddler.hypermart.net/thefiddler.GIF">

: No worries.... Comments always wanted. In fact, upon re-reading it, I found some bits confusing myself, because so much happens in this chapter so I am re-drafting it anyway. By the way, I am replacing my forum on April the 10th. Hope the new one is better.

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