Could I be Indiana Jones??

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Posted by ROB T. from 162.10.138.28 on May 23, 1999 at 01:11:17:

The first time I saw "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was when I was sixteen. It was 1981 and the movie had just come out that weekend. I left the theatre pumped up and primed to be a swashbuckling archeologist roming the world in search of treasures.
Well, now I'm thirty-four and I'm no closer to that dream than I was that Saturday afternoon in 1981. I don't know what happened but when I see the film now I see that I could never be Indiana Jones. In each scene I see why I couldn't do what he does.
Indy goes into the cave in South America and I wonder, has he had a tetanus shot? That cave is pretty nasty. Could I do that? No, I don't like to get my hands dirty.
But if I had some gloves and a can of Lysol, maybe.
Then the spiders come up. Poor Satipo would be screwed if he were with me; I would faint before I could knock the spiders off his back. But he deserves it, leaving me in the cave like he did.
If by some miracle I got past all the booby traps I think I could outrun the rolling boulder but my messed up knees could never handle that dive out of the mouth of the cave and I would pee my pants at the sight of all those Hovitos.
I see Jock fishing at the plane and I want to warn him about piranhas and get him to pull the plane closer to the shore so I don't have to swim out to it in that scuzzy water.
When we get back to Indy's class we finally come to a scene I could handle; the hot chick flashing me the "Love you" blink with her eyes.
But before I know we're off to Nepal. Indy's jacket looks mighty thin for that cold weather. I'd need to bundle up more.
If Marion clipped me on the chin like she did to Indy, I'd need a trip to the dentist; after they scraped my sorry ass off the floor.
I don't think I even need to comment on how well I'd do in a fight with a bar full of Nazis. I'd be in a ball on the floor crying as soon as the first gunshot was fired.
In Egypt, the heat and humidity would reduce me to a puddle on the ground.
Another fistfight in the streets of Cairo? I'm still sore from the ass-kicking I got in Nepal.
Marion's dead. But, of course, she'd have never left Nepal with me to begin with.
I think intellectually I could do the search for the Ark; checking out the map room at Tannis and all that but there's no way I'm going down into the Well of Souls. All those snakes?
Not to mention that even with Sallah's help I could never lift that stone thing that covers the Ark.
But let's say I made it out of the Well of Souls. I can't face another ass-whupping by the big, bald German guy by the Flying Wing.
If I managed to steal the truck even though I can't ride a horse what would I do with it? I can't drive a stick-shift.
I don't want to be dragged under the truck; it goes back to not wanting to get my hands dirty.
Let's say I managed to steal the Ark and now I'm aboard the Bantu Wind with Marion. I don't want to say what body part I'd point to if Marion said, "Well, dammit Indy, what part doesn't hurt?"
Needless to say, I'd get another ass-kicking.
I see Indy swim aboard the submarine and that ocean looks mighty choppy to me. Plus it's gotta be at least a hundred yards from the Bantu Wind to the sub.
On the island I'd go ahead and fire that bazooka at the Ark. Sorry but I couldn't resist Belloq's dare.
Tied to that pole next to Marion I could never resist looking at the power of the Ark so I guess I'd get my face melted or shrunk or some other God-awful torture and that would be the end of me.
But except for those few points I think I could be Indiana Jones.

ROB T.


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