Re: Could I be Indiana Jones??

Posted by LFM from Galianoae.dw.net on May 23, 1999 at 13:57:02:

In Reply to: Could I be Indiana Jones?? posted by ROB T. on May 23, 1999 at 01:11:17:

: The first time I saw "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was when I was sixteen. It was 1981 and the movie had just come out that weekend. I left the theatre pumped up and primed to be a swashbuckling archeologist roming the world in search of treasures.
: Well, now I'm thirty-four and I'm no closer to that dream than I was that Saturday afternoon in 1981. I don't know what happened but when I see the film now I see that I could never be Indiana Jones. In each scene I see why I couldn't do what he does.
: Indy goes into the cave in South America and I wonder, has he had a tetanus shot? That cave is pretty nasty. Could I do that? No, I don't like to get my hands dirty.
: But if I had some gloves and a can of Lysol, maybe.
: Then the spiders come up. Poor Satipo would be screwed if he were with me; I would faint before I could knock the spiders off his back. But he deserves it, leaving me in the cave like he did.
: If by some miracle I got past all the booby traps I think I could outrun the rolling boulder but my messed up knees could never handle that dive out of the mouth of the cave and I would pee my pants at the sight of all those Hovitos.
: I see Jock fishing at the plane and I want to warn him about piranhas and get him to pull the plane closer to the shore so I don't have to swim out to it in that scuzzy water.
: When we get back to Indy's class we finally come to a scene I could handle; the hot chick flashing me the "Love you" blink with her eyes.
: But before I know we're off to Nepal. Indy's jacket looks mighty thin for that cold weather. I'd need to bundle up more.
: If Marion clipped me on the chin like she did to Indy, I'd need a trip to the dentist; after they scraped my sorry ass off the floor.
: I don't think I even need to comment on how well I'd do in a fight with a bar full of Nazis. I'd be in a ball on the floor crying as soon as the first gunshot was fired.
: In Egypt, the heat and humidity would reduce me to a puddle on the ground.
: Another fistfight in the streets of Cairo? I'm still sore from the ass-kicking I got in Nepal.
: Marion's dead. But, of course, she'd have never left Nepal with me to begin with.
: I think intellectually I could do the search for the Ark; checking out the map room at Tannis and all that but there's no way I'm going down into the Well of Souls. All those snakes?
: Not to mention that even with Sallah's help I could never lift that stone thing that covers the Ark.
: But let's say I made it out of the Well of Souls. I can't face another ass-whupping by the big, bald German guy by the Flying Wing.
: If I managed to steal the truck even though I can't ride a horse what would I do with it? I can't drive a stick-shift.
: I don't want to be dragged under the truck; it goes back to not wanting to get my hands dirty.
: Let's say I managed to steal the Ark and now I'm aboard the Bantu Wind with Marion. I don't want to say what body part I'd point to if Marion said, "Well, dammit Indy, what part doesn't hurt?"
: Needless to say, I'd get another ass-kicking.
: I see Indy swim aboard the submarine and that ocean looks mighty choppy to me. Plus it's gotta be at least a hundred yards from the Bantu Wind to the sub.
: On the island I'd go ahead and fire that bazooka at the Ark. Sorry but I couldn't resist Belloq's dare.
: Tied to that pole next to Marion I could never resist looking at the power of the Ark so I guess I'd get my face melted or shrunk or some other God-awful torture and that would be the end of me.
: But except for those few points I think I could be Indiana Jones.

: ROB T.

So that means that Harrison Ford is pretty cool. He can do all that because he did do all that. Funny little review there. You should be a comedian, seriously. :)
LFM

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: :   The first time I saw "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was when I was sixteen. It was 1981 and the movie had just come out that weekend. I left the theatre pumped up and primed to be a swashbuckling archeologist roming the world in search of treasures.
: :   Well, now I'm thirty-four and I'm no closer to that dream than I was that Saturday afternoon in 1981. I don't know what happened but when I see the film now I see that I could never be Indiana Jones. In each scene I see why I couldn't do what he does.
: :   Indy goes into the cave in South America and I wonder, has he had a tetanus shot? That cave is pretty nasty. Could I do that? No, I don't like to get my hands dirty.
: :   But if I had some gloves and a can of Lysol, maybe.
: :   Then the spiders come up. Poor Satipo would be screwed if he were with me; I would faint before I could knock the spiders off his back. But he deserves it, leaving me in the cave like he did.
: :   If by some miracle I got past all the booby traps I think I could outrun the rolling boulder but my messed up knees could never handle that dive out of the mouth of the cave and I would pee my pants at the sight of all those Hovitos.
: :   I see Jock fishing at the plane and I want to warn him about piranhas and get him to pull the plane closer to the shore so I don't have to swim out to it in that scuzzy water.
: :   When we get back to Indy's class we finally come to a scene I could handle; the hot chick flashing me the "Love you" blink with her eyes.
: :   But before I know we're off to Nepal. Indy's jacket looks mighty thin for that cold weather. I'd need to bundle up more.
: :   If Marion clipped me on the chin like she did to Indy, I'd need a trip to the dentist; after they scraped my sorry ass off the floor.
: :   I don't think I even need to comment on how well I'd do in a fight with a bar full of Nazis. I'd be in a ball on the floor crying as soon as the first gunshot was fired.
: :   In Egypt, the heat and humidity would reduce me to a puddle on the ground.
: :   Another fistfight in the streets of Cairo? I'm still sore from the ass-kicking I got in Nepal.
: :   Marion's dead. But, of course, she'd have never left Nepal with me to begin with.
: :   I think intellectually I could do the search for the Ark; checking out the map room at Tannis and all that but there's no way I'm going down into the Well of Souls. All those snakes? 
: :   Not to mention that even with Sallah's help I could never lift that stone thing that covers the Ark.
: :   But let's say I made it out of the Well of Souls. I can't face another ass-whupping by the big, bald German guy by the Flying Wing.
: :   If I managed to steal the truck even though I can't ride a horse what would I do with it? I can't drive a stick-shift.
: :   I don't want to be dragged under the truck; it goes back to not wanting to get my hands dirty.
: :   Let's say I managed to steal the Ark and now I'm aboard the Bantu Wind with Marion. I don't want to say what body part I'd point to if Marion said, "Well, dammit Indy, what part doesn't hurt?"
: :   Needless to say, I'd get another ass-kicking.
: :   I see Indy swim aboard the submarine and that ocean looks mighty choppy to me. Plus it's gotta be at least a hundred yards from the Bantu Wind to the sub.
: :   On the island I'd go ahead and fire that bazooka at the Ark. Sorry but I couldn't resist Belloq's dare.
: :   Tied to that pole next to Marion I could never resist looking at the power of the Ark so I guess I'd get my face melted or shrunk or some other God-awful torture and that would be the end of me.
: :   But except for those few points I think I could be Indiana Jones.

: : ROB T.

: So that means that Harrison Ford is pretty cool.  He can do all that because he did do all that.  Funny little review there.  You should be a comedian, seriously. :)
: LFM

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