Exclusive: Indy IV script!

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Posted by Nick from 33.chicago-01-02rs.il.dial-access.att.net on July 04, 1999 at 15:13:29:

We were searching through some top-secret vaults in the depths of
Hollywood the other day, and we unearthed a preliminary script and
cast for Indy IV! Here's our summary...

Indiana Jones and the Skyship of the Gods!

CAST: Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen),
Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw), Short Round (Jackie Chan), Cole Diamond
(Will Smith), Dr. Henry Jones (Sean Connery), Minnesota Jones-Smythe
(Kevin Costner), Emil Belloq (Kenneth Branagh), Reinhardt Toht (Rowan
Atkinson), Lao Che Jr. (Jet Li), Ebola Ram (Ben Kingsley), Hector
Donovan (Terence Stamp), Admiral Johann Sebastian Vogel (Arnold
Schwarzenegger), Helga Schneider (Camryn Mannheim)

PLOT BREAKDOWN:
- In the first five minutes Indy gets shot at fifteen times, nearly
decapitated, nearly burnt at the stake, nearly crucified and still
manages to recover a fragment of the True Cross from the Italian thugs
of a rabid art collector.
- Indy teaches a class. Many bad jokes and one-liners. Lots a chicks
checking him out.
- Indy is contacted by the Illuminati to recover the spaceship of
Neptune the First, King of Atlantis. He accepts and flies off to
Greenland, to unravel the first clue.
- There he meets Shorty, who owns a martial arts academy in an igloo.
They are attacked by cannibalistic eskimos and are saved by Marion
Ravenwood who owns a chain of arctic night clubs. Marion and Indy go
off and... you know.
- At the night club they meet Willie who is singing there. A love
triangle develops. They steal the first piece of the map from Lao Che
Jr.
who is a regular there. Kung-fu mayhem ensues with a special guest
appearance by Ray Park in a costume not dissimilar to his Darth Maul
attire.
- They escape to Chicago where they meet up with private investigator
and hip, happening cat, Cole Diamond. They fight off some Thugees
allied with Italian Mafia and are chased into the Chicago sewers (ick)
where they find the second segment of the map.
-They then head to Peru where they run afoul of Emil Belloq, who has
some sort of elaborate death trap set-up for our heroes. It involves
guillotines, tuning forks, bowling balls, a very sharp pencil and an
ancient Inca death ray. They escape, after Cole manages to pickpocket
Emil's fragment of the map. This scene involves many slick one-liners
on the part of Cole.
- The map leads them to Antarctica where they fight off hordes of evil
attack penguins wrangled by the evil Ebola Ram. More thugees attack
and a virtual repeat of the climactic scene in Temple occurs on a rope
bridge strung between two large glaciers. As he falls to his death
Ebola's piece of the map flutters upward and into Indy's hat. Shorty
says 'not again' a few times in this scene.
-They escape by hovercraft to Minnesota where they are attacked by
killer koalas escaped from the zoo. Cole and Indy blow them away with
gattling guns which where just lying around. After a long feast at the
local I.H.O.P. (International House of Pancakes) they head to Australia,
where they were supposed to go in the first place if not for Willie's
navigational skills. En route Indy boinks Marion, then Willie. Then
Willie
and Marion boink each other (mandatory lesbian scene).
- In Australia they encounter the ghost of Marcus Brody, who tells Indy
to trust his instincts. They then get attacked by yet more killer
koalas.
In a local bar, where digeridoos play lamentful melodies (John Williams
experimenting unsuccessfully), a brawl ensues when Hector Donovan
comes in for a drink and recognizes Indy. A mysterious stranger saves
the day when he hurls a fountain pen into Donovan's eye, killing him
instantly. The stranger is of course none other than Dr. Henry Jones,
who is in a wheelchair and in Australia for some unexplained reason.
They yoink the next map piece off of Donovan's cold carcass and bugger
off to the Philippines (budget reasons) before the Outback Police arrive
on the scene (cameo by Yahoo Serious). A relationship forms between
Henry and Willie, thus unravelling the love triangle (besides, IndyÕs
supposed to get Marion anyway).
- In the Phillipines their dinghy is boarded by the crew of a submarine,
captained by Admiral Vogel, a Nazi loyalist who just never gave up. Indy
escapes and a fight way too reminiscent of the tank battle takes place,
ending with the submarine falling over a waterfall. During this fight,
Cole rescues everybody inside, by killing the Nazis single-handedly.
More one-liners. Before Vogel falls over the edge, Indy grabs his map
piece (the last one). Vogel curses Indy as the current sweeps him away.
- The climax takes place at Area 51, where our heroes get attacked by
Altarian Bladderslugs. Only Indy's quick wits and handgun, and ColeÕs
one-liners and twin sawed-off shotguns save the day. Willie screams a
lot. Marion kicks some ass. Shorty Kung-fu's everything that isn't
human in sight. While our heroes search for the spaceship, they are
confronted by Belloq, Vogel and Toht (the mastermind) who have been in
collaboration the whole time, even though they didn't seem organized at
all. The gang is captured and brought aboard the spaceship.
- Aboard the ship they are rescued by a stowaway, who reveals himself
to be none other than Indy's long lost brother, Minnesota Jones-Smythe.
The villains run in terror (perhaps from his receding hairline and
chinless mug).
- They chase the villains, guns a-blazing to a blast door. The villains
duck out the way as Helga Schneider, in all her West German,
mustachioed glory emerges with a double-bladed laser sword. While
Henry, Marion, Cole, Willie and Shorty kick the living crap out of the
villains, Minnesota ignites his own laser sword, before tossing Indy an
extra. Indy nahs the laser sword and pulls out his bullwhip. He thumbs a
switch on his whip, and lash ignites with a crackle. As he tests it hums
suspiciously. A duel to rival the one at the end of Phantom Menace
follows. In the end Minnesota is heroically cut down. As Helga stands
triumphant, swearing revenge for her sisterÕs death, Indy pulls out his
revolver and shoots her. Indy bids the brother he never knew a tearful
goodbye, before joining his companions. They decide that man was not
meant to possess certain knowledge (but they do keep some nifty
souvenirs like ray guns and laser swords) and steer the spaceship
toward the sun and vamoose in an escape pod. Minnesota wakes up
realizing he's not dead, but it's too late. They then fly off into the
sunset. The end.

P.S. this of course a complete joke. Please don't hurt us Mr. Spielberg.
No offence is intended to either him or any of the actors mentioned
herein. We're fans, after all... (Just covering our ***es. :)

Dr. Edgar Bubonique & Professor Jarvis Gangrene

All characters and trademarks except for the lame ones are (C)
Paramount. This 'plot' belongs to us, though why anyone would want it
is a mystery...


-----------------------------------

Not mine of course :-)
Founded in alt.movies.indiana-jones
Happy 4th of July everyone!

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