Throw me a frickin' bone here... nm

Posted by Dr. Evil from min1-45.shreve.net on July 05, 1999 at 23:56:31:

In Reply to: Exclusive: Indy IV script! posted by Nick on July 04, 1999 at 15:13:29:

: We were searching through some top-secret vaults in the depths of
: Hollywood the other day, and we unearthed a preliminary script and
: cast for Indy IV! Here's our summary...

: Indiana Jones and the Skyship of the Gods!

: CAST: Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen),
: Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw), Short Round (Jackie Chan), Cole Diamond
: (Will Smith), Dr. Henry Jones (Sean Connery), Minnesota Jones-Smythe
: (Kevin Costner), Emil Belloq (Kenneth Branagh), Reinhardt Toht (Rowan
: Atkinson), Lao Che Jr. (Jet Li), Ebola Ram (Ben Kingsley), Hector
: Donovan (Terence Stamp), Admiral Johann Sebastian Vogel (Arnold
: Schwarzenegger), Helga Schneider (Camryn Mannheim)

: PLOT BREAKDOWN:
: - In the first five minutes Indy gets shot at fifteen times, nearly
: decapitated, nearly burnt at the stake, nearly crucified and still
: manages to recover a fragment of the True Cross from the Italian thugs
: of a rabid art collector.
: - Indy teaches a class. Many bad jokes and one-liners. Lots a chicks
: checking him out.
: - Indy is contacted by the Illuminati to recover the spaceship of
: Neptune the First, King of Atlantis. He accepts and flies off to
: Greenland, to unravel the first clue.
: - There he meets Shorty, who owns a martial arts academy in an igloo.
: They are attacked by cannibalistic eskimos and are saved by Marion
: Ravenwood who owns a chain of arctic night clubs. Marion and Indy go
: off and... you know.
: - At the night club they meet Willie who is singing there. A love
: triangle develops. They steal the first piece of the map from Lao Che
: Jr.
: who is a regular there. Kung-fu mayhem ensues with a special guest
: appearance by Ray Park in a costume not dissimilar to his Darth Maul
: attire.
: - They escape to Chicago where they meet up with private investigator
: and hip, happening cat, Cole Diamond. They fight off some Thugees
: allied with Italian Mafia and are chased into the Chicago sewers (ick)
: where they find the second segment of the map.
: -They then head to Peru where they run afoul of Emil Belloq, who has
: some sort of elaborate death trap set-up for our heroes. It involves
: guillotines, tuning forks, bowling balls, a very sharp pencil and an
: ancient Inca death ray. They escape, after Cole manages to pickpocket
: Emil's fragment of the map. This scene involves many slick one-liners
: on the part of Cole.
: - The map leads them to Antarctica where they fight off hordes of evil
: attack penguins wrangled by the evil Ebola Ram. More thugees attack
: and a virtual repeat of the climactic scene in Temple occurs on a rope
: bridge strung between two large glaciers. As he falls to his death
: Ebola's piece of the map flutters upward and into Indy's hat. Shorty
: says 'not again' a few times in this scene.
: -They escape by hovercraft to Minnesota where they are attacked by
: killer koalas escaped from the zoo. Cole and Indy blow them away with
: gattling guns which where just lying around. After a long feast at the
: local I.H.O.P. (International House of Pancakes) they head to Australia,
: where they were supposed to go in the first place if not for Willie's
: navigational skills. En route Indy boinks Marion, then Willie. Then
: Willie
: and Marion boink each other (mandatory lesbian scene).
: - In Australia they encounter the ghost of Marcus Brody, who tells Indy
: to trust his instincts. They then get attacked by yet more killer
: koalas.
: In a local bar, where digeridoos play lamentful melodies (John Williams
: experimenting unsuccessfully), a brawl ensues when Hector Donovan
: comes in for a drink and recognizes Indy. A mysterious stranger saves
: the day when he hurls a fountain pen into Donovan's eye, killing him
: instantly. The stranger is of course none other than Dr. Henry Jones,
: who is in a wheelchair and in Australia for some unexplained reason.
: They yoink the next map piece off of Donovan's cold carcass and bugger
: off to the Philippines (budget reasons) before the Outback Police arrive
: on the scene (cameo by Yahoo Serious). A relationship forms between
: Henry and Willie, thus unravelling the love triangle (besides, IndyÕs
: supposed to get Marion anyway).
: - In the Phillipines their dinghy is boarded by the crew of a submarine,
: captained by Admiral Vogel, a Nazi loyalist who just never gave up. Indy
: escapes and a fight way too reminiscent of the tank battle takes place,
: ending with the submarine falling over a waterfall. During this fight,
: Cole rescues everybody inside, by killing the Nazis single-handedly.
: More one-liners. Before Vogel falls over the edge, Indy grabs his map
: piece (the last one). Vogel curses Indy as the current sweeps him away.
: - The climax takes place at Area 51, where our heroes get attacked by
: Altarian Bladderslugs. Only Indy's quick wits and handgun, and ColeÕs
: one-liners and twin sawed-off shotguns save the day. Willie screams a
: lot. Marion kicks some ass. Shorty Kung-fu's everything that isn't
: human in sight. While our heroes search for the spaceship, they are
: confronted by Belloq, Vogel and Toht (the mastermind) who have been in
: collaboration the whole time, even though they didn't seem organized at
: all. The gang is captured and brought aboard the spaceship.
: - Aboard the ship they are rescued by a stowaway, who reveals himself
: to be none other than Indy's long lost brother, Minnesota Jones-Smythe.
: The villains run in terror (perhaps from his receding hairline and
: chinless mug).
: - They chase the villains, guns a-blazing to a blast door. The villains
: duck out the way as Helga Schneider, in all her West German,
: mustachioed glory emerges with a double-bladed laser sword. While
: Henry, Marion, Cole, Willie and Shorty kick the living crap out of the
: villains, Minnesota ignites his own laser sword, before tossing Indy an
: extra. Indy nahs the laser sword and pulls out his bullwhip. He thumbs a
: switch on his whip, and lash ignites with a crackle. As he tests it hums
: suspiciously. A duel to rival the one at the end of Phantom Menace
: follows. In the end Minnesota is heroically cut down. As Helga stands
: triumphant, swearing revenge for her sisterÕs death, Indy pulls out his
: revolver and shoots her. Indy bids the brother he never knew a tearful
: goodbye, before joining his companions. They decide that man was not
: meant to possess certain knowledge (but they do keep some nifty
: souvenirs like ray guns and laser swords) and steer the spaceship
: toward the sun and vamoose in an escape pod. Minnesota wakes up
: realizing he's not dead, but it's too late. They then fly off into the
: sunset. The end.

: P.S. this of course a complete joke. Please don't hurt us Mr. Spielberg.
: No offence is intended to either him or any of the actors mentioned
: herein. We're fans, after all... (Just covering our ***es. :)

: Dr. Edgar Bubonique & Professor Jarvis Gangrene

: All characters and trademarks except for the lame ones are (C)
: Paramount. This 'plot' belongs to us, though why anyone would want it
: is a mystery...

:
: -----------------------------------

: Not mine of course :-)
: Founded in alt.movies.indiana-jones
: Happy 4th of July everyone!

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